THE CAPLES ELEVATOR IS OUT OF SERVICE
I live on the 9th floor. This is a big deal.
In fact, this is almost on par with the time I noticed the statue in front of Cromwell Cottage had been moved and I was disoriented for a week. I have a small mind, change scares me. Exercise also scares me, hence why I will camp out in the Caples kitchen until the elevator is fixed. Hopefully people will bake me things.
In other news, the Kenyon divorce. Have you ever thought about it? If there's a Kenyon marriage, it's inevitable that eventually there will be a Kenyon divorce. Having recently gone through one of these, I can give some tips to those of you also realizing you have to actually talk to other people at Kenyon.
1. You already bought a plane ticket to see him/her over break: Well shoot! That was a bad move. Maybe next time you should make sure your relationship is stable before you agree to fly across the country to share hot chocolate and mistletoe. You have two options here: 1.) Find another guy or girl who lives in the same state and convince them that you're an orphan and need a place to stay over Christmas. 2.) Try to get a refund, you probably won't (airlines suck) then spend Christmas at home getting drunk, dressing up as Santa and yelling at happy couples.
2. You're going through a custody battle over something (mutual friends, a stray cat you took in together, books for classes you're taking, alcohol): Since college students are poor and can't afford real lawyers, you'll have to figure this one out for yourself. You better hope you're the more likable one out of the couple. But just know that I'm currently practicing divorce law out of my room. There's a market for it, and I need the money to make up for that plane ticket!
3. You have seminar together: Well don't skip seminar, that would be silly! Go to class late and apologize that your new boyfriend Pierre "just won't let you get out of bed" ooh la la whatever will you do!
4. You're sharing a suite/apartment/universe: Well that was a bad idea. You should never live with your significant other, but I understand, you thought you'd be "together forever" and now you're stuck together for the rest of the year. Bummer. Well the only logical thing to do would be to force him out. Walmart has everything, I'm sure you can find noxious gases, loud buzzers, and chainsaws in the section with all the camouflage.
5. You left your stuff in his/her room: Around four in the morning, sneak into his room with the spare key you had made and stage a burglary. Take all your things and some of his. Then make a huge bonfire with the things of his you took.
6. He's clearly moved on and you haven't: Well fuck that.
However, if you don't want to end up in jail or on the Dateline special "My Crazy Ex" maybe you should just take a deep breath, put on a smile, and find a rebound. At least one other person is bound to find you attractive.
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