Come to Kenyon!

It is a Motown kind of day outside.  Beautiful and a little windy, not too hot but not too cold and after a couple weeks of miserable cold rain and mud all a girl needs is some sun and The Foundations to make her feel happy again.  No, I do not belong in this decade.  But this weather got me thinking to how last week I had to give tours in the non-relenting rain and hurricane-like winds.  So that was my segue-way to talk about how I wish I could give a "True Life Tour of Kenyon."  It wouldn't be hard, Kenyon's tour guide program is already pretty lax as anyone on first floor Lewis knows since I've probably knocked on their door at odd hours trying to show their room to a group of strangers.  But there are times when I have to catch myself before I blurt out something that I find funny but prospective students and their parents would not.  A few examples with the "True Life" parts in red:

"Yeah, you don't need to sign into the dorms here, your K-Card gives you access to all the residential buildings.  In fact, most students don't even lock their doors and we just started locking the actual dorm buildings last year because there was a scary murderer who chopped up two people and stuffed them in a tree and he was supposedly spotted on campus!"

"The average class size is about 15 students, with a 10 to 1 student/faculty ratio...but each incoming class has been getting bigger and bigger and most of my classes are around 20/25 students crammed around a tiny table trying to keep the pretense of a small "seminar-style" class or getting moved to a lecture hall to fit in all the students who want to add the class, it's pretty easy to get into a class you want.  My smallest class?  Oh, five students.  It was Labanotation.  You've never heard of it?  Exactly."


Now we're heading towards South Campus where most of Greek Life is located.  We even have a couple co-ed Greek organizations, the Archons who do a lot of community service, and the PEEPS who do a lot of drugs.  Ahead is Old Kenyon, where most of the parties are held.  There's no pressure to drink here at Kenyon but if you don't, you will in no way enjoy grinding with random people in a dark basement, standing in puddles of questionable substances."


Occasionally I even get to give tours to large groups of prospective football players.  The best part of those tours is when they inevitable ask about the football culture at Kenyon.

"So are students supportive of the team?  Do people go to the games regularly?"

"Hahahahahahahahaha.  We haven't won a game in two years, our coach retired and we don't even really have a football stadium.  My high school had a larger student section than we have here.  And actually, come to think of it, I don't even know when the games are.  And I'm not sure many students care, we're too busy being artsy and talking about our feelings.  Yeah.  Yeah, most students will go to a game."


I've had a couple interesting tours.  My favorite by far was the girl who asked if people who weren't students were allowed in Gambier.

...

No.  No they're not.  Actually now that you've revealed yourself as a non-student, this is the end of your tour.  The Gambier Border Patrol will come pick you up from a holding cell in Ransom Hall.  Please speak to no one about your visit here.

But really, I love Kenyon and I love being a tour guide.  Come to Kenyon!