Is There a Doctor in the House?

For some reason unknown to me, our health center is closed on the weekends.  This seems very counterintuitive but I guess even nurses want to get crunk on saturday nights.  As a result of this, I had to go to the Knox County Hospital.  Unlike the people with bleeding fingers and crutches who kept me company in the waiting room, I just had a really itchy rash...seriously, it was really itchy.  I was skeptical of the KCH before this visit, but now I am pretty sure the doctors there got their degrees online to get a discount on "Grey's Anatomy" Halloween costumes.

Finally I got to see a doctor, I showed him my side and my arm where I was covered with red bumps and he just said "Hmmmmm" and pulled out his Iphone, searched "chicken pox," and compared the Google images to my arm.  I enjoy a shirtless cell phone picture of chicken pox taken in a dimly lit bathroom as much as the next girl, but preferably not when I'm having to pay for it.  After the picture of the cartoon dog with a thermometer in his mouth passed, Dr. #1 was convinced I had chicken pox.  Until he asked me if I had been vaccinated.  I have been.  So it wasn't chicken pox.  It was shingles!  It had to be shingles!  But Dr. #1 couldn't be sure so he had to go search for another doctor.  Several minutes later Dr. #1 returned with Dr. #2.  Dr. #2 said it couldn't be shingles because I didn't have a fever (go Dr. #2!  Way to check WebMD before coming in here!).  They gave up and decided to prescribe me steroids for my mystery rash.  I got four tubes of steroid cream from that prescription.  Enough for me and my rashy elephant.  

I'm pretty sure that as soon as I stop putting on the cream, the rash will come back.  I'm probably deathly allergic to something that I'm eating on a regular basis (so gummy bears, chocolate, or goldfish).  Or from my own google image search, I learned I could actually have Psoriasis, bedbugs, Gangrene, Perioral Dermatitis, or Leprosy.  Google is so handy in self-diagnosis!  I should go pre-med.  Unless my nerves become too damaged from the Leprosy.  Or I lose my arm from Gangrene.  

This is very similar to a medical experience I had at home.  One morning I woke up and my legs were covered in small circular bruises, so obviously I went to a doctor.  She asked me if I had put anything with small circles on my legs.

..........

No.  I did not press soccer cleats into my thighs, or a bunch of upside-down tacks.  But thanks for asking.

I was then told that I had to have blood tests done because it was possible that I had Leukemia, HIV, or Lupus.  It was like an episode of "House".  Next I'll have a seizure and they'll figure out that the medicine they've been giving me is actually causing kidney failure.  Needless to say, I'm actually fine, I just occasionally have outbreaks of small bruises.  Maybe I should try steroid cream.